Absent Of A Topic 002
I worry about mortality a lot.
Not mine. I could give a fuck about myself. But I worry about my family, my friends, all those close to me. Especially my parents. I owe everything to my parents.
It's not like these people aren't un-healthy, their quite fine actually.
What it comes down to is some weird (self diagnosed) chemical imbalance in my brain that conflicts with an unfair balance relative to karma and positive / negative. I think about these things a lot. I have backwards ideals.
I've been learning how to swim with my head under water these last couple years. Only every so-often am I able to come up for a breathe. But while I'm drowning I feel as though I'm in my comfort zone. Everything is normal. Some days I come to terms with the fact that as an artist I may never be able to "float", and that it's more about just getting better at treading water, riding the fine line between failure and success, than actually just making it. And sure, I could just get out of the water altogether and get a "real" job, but what fun would that be. At that point I'd actually become concerned with my own mortality.
Anyways, what this translates to is that over time I've noticed that the universe is both cruel and fair. Within failure and loss, there are flowers that bloom and the weather is always nicer the next day - things can never really get worse. But with success, there lies tragedy and pain. Life can, and I'm certain it will, throw a curveball at you. It might be pessimistic, but I look at it as realistic. I pay attention closely to things, media, news, people. People...
I feel as though the closer I come to obtaining the things I've always wanted and dreamed of, I come one step closer to tragedy. I'm a firm believer that "you can have your cake and eat it too", but I don't think whatever higher power there is out there agrees.
So because of this I worry about things a lot. Incoming phone calls make me nervous. I create elaborate scenarios in my head as a coping method and it works... sometimes. Other times I perpetuate my own sadness - I feel as though I grieve things that haven't happened yet, and might not ever or for a long time. I see myself as an empath, I feel.
In this journey of life, career, failure and success I've learned to appreciate home more. I'm rarely ever there. Sometimes I go days without seeing my family. My schedule is different from theirs. They leave for work or school around 7am, I leave around 10:30. They come home around 5pm, I come home around 3am most nights. I go to sleep and when I awake up, they're already gone. Not everyday, but most.
Life is short. Cliché, cliché...
I won't apologize for sounding morbid, but I will say this;
Go home. Spend time with your family as often as you can. Hug them - people don't last forever. Some learn this sooner than others, and I've been fortune for everything I've had in twenty-three years. I'm not willing to compromise for these people in my life any time soon, but it's not my choice. I'm not even sure who's choice that is.
There's beauty in death, as there is life, but it's hidden within the center of so much more sadness.
Peace + Happiness